


The Memories We Make

by samariumwriting



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Memories, Mental Health Issues, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 05:41:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29629947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samariumwriting/pseuds/samariumwriting
Summary: When Felix mentions the ball from their days at the Academy, Dimitri realises he doesn't remember the night much at all; it sparks an uncomfortable conversation that neither of them really wanted to have.
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Felix Hugo Fraldarius
Comments: 2
Kudos: 35





	The Memories We Make

**Author's Note:**

  * For [curediarahan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/curediarahan/gifts).



> Aaaaaages ago Lyrica won this fic in a giveaway I ran over on twitter and now the fic is finally here! I hope you enjoy it :D

“Don’t you remember that?” Felix asked with a frown. It was the late hours of the evening, just before they really had to settle down to sleep for the night, and just before Dimitri put his head against the pillow, Felix mentioned something that had happened at the Academy. “It was a big night.”

“No, I-” It sounded like it should be familiar. He definitely knew it happened. The ball was something he remembered people talking about for weeks upon weeks. People looked forward to it practically all year. “I remember the promise we all made. Was that at the time of the ball?”

“The day before,” Felix confirmed. “You were  _ at _ the ball, Dimitri.”

“If you say so,” he said, suddenly overcome with the urge to just roll over and go to sleep. He was too tired to deal with the implications of this.

He knew, of course, that there were gaps in his memory. He knew, because it became more and more obvious with each passing day that there were things that people knew about him that he never remembered showing. He remembered far less of the world than he must have experienced, given the years to his name.

“I do say so,” Felix said. “I didn’t go for long. And I didn’t dance with you, I danced with-”

“Mercedes!” he said. He remembered that much. He remembered seeing them dance together, but was that... at the ball? He’d remembered being warm, so he’d always assumed it was the summer.

“Yes,” Felix said. “I thought you said you didn’t-”

“I don’t,” Dimitri clarified. “Remember, that is. I thought it was a different time. I don’t remember the ball happening at all, though I suppose I would have remembered if it had been cancelled…” He wasn’t sure if it would be worse to say he’d assumed he hadn’t gone. It probably would be.

"There wasn't even a suggestion that it would be cancelled," Felix said. "Though I dare say if  _ some  _ people had gone a little further, it might have ended early."

Dimitri chuckled. The sinking pit in his stomach told him that he should know who Felix was referring to, but he couldn't remember that either. There was something about- "Did someone drink too much?" he asked.

Felix nodded. "Sylvain," he said. "I don't know who managed to get alcohol into the event - Sylvain said it was  _ Flayn,  _ but I'm not so sure. He was completely out of it at the time and no one believed him. His dancing was a sight to behold; not in a good way."

"You said you weren't there for long," Dimitri said, hoping it would prompt Felix to say something that would connect the dots in his head a little more.

"I wasn't," he answered. "I was there in the middle. The beginning was when everyone was crowding each other, being  _ obnoxious,  _ but it calmed down a little after that."

"Oh, I think I remember," Dimitri said. He did not remember, but maybe something would come to him. "I spotted you coming in. You didn't go as unnoticed as you wanted to?" It was there, vaguely; the image of Felix in a suit, looking disgruntled as several people approached him. Dimitri didn't remember getting close at all, but that wasn't unusual back in those days.

"I didn't," Felix said, his voice barely more than a grumble. "I had to talk to all of them, and dance with a few of them." His eyes met Dimitri's, full of something indescribable. "I didn't dance with you."

"I remember that," Dimitri said. Of course he did; he always remembered the way he stared at Felix across rooms, desperately hoping for the moment that Felix's eyes would fill with something other than hostility. Even if he didn't remember the specifics of the evening, he could put together a picture in his head of the warm golden light of the ballroom, the way Felix might have looked...

Dimitri suppressed a sigh. There were many things he wished could have gone differently back when they were young, and now he'd been reminded of it, this was one of them. But there was nothing to be done about it now; he could only work with the present.

"What else did you do that night?" Felix asked. There was an obvious hint of curiosity to his tone, but there was something else too - something a little more guarded. Dimitri didn't like the sound of it, but without knowing exactly what caused it, he could only soldier on and answer the question.

"Not much," Dimitri said. He didn't know if he did much else. "I think I... also left early. Probably after you did?" He thought he remembered speaking to the Professor, but he couldn't recall what it was about. Maybe he should ask them, in case they had more answers.

"Sounds like you didn't have a particularly fun night either," Felix said.

"Mm." He couldn't have; he'd hated most gatherings with a passion back then, because they only worsened his headaches, and the pressure of performing something to so many people left him feeling outside of himself.

He knew he couldn't have enjoyed it, but he didn't remember  _ not _ having fun either. He didn't remember a splitting headache, or anything specific that he said to anyone. In the end, he couldn't answer much of Felix's question, and he let the issue lapse into silence.

"Maybe we should just go to sleep," he said eventually. He didn't want to watch Felix's expression anymore. Felix made a slightly grumpy, tired noise, which Dimitri took as agreement. He laid down properly, wrapping his arms around Felix's waist as he went. Felix joined him easily, the crown of his head pressed up against Dimitri's chin, and he seemed to be at ease.

But that was the problem: he only seemed to be. They lapsed into silence, but it couldn't be described as comfortable. Dimitri kept his breathing even, and so did Felix, but neither of them were asleep. Dimitri didn't think he  _ could _ sleep.

He knew, of course, why Felix didn’t say anything. The conversation hadn't been pleasant for either of them, but he didn't understand why Felix was so annoyed. Dimitri hadn't even  _ done  _ anything with him that day - Felix confirmed it himself. There had to be something else on his mind.

"Felix?" he asked. He couldn't bear the thought of going to sleep with the both of them so clearly leaving something unsaid. "Is something bothering you?"

The brief pause in Felix’s breathing told Dimitri what he already knew. Felix sighed, then shuffled out of Dimitri's arms, sitting half upright in the bed.

"Does it bother you?" he asked. "That you can't remember things sometimes."

"Of course it does," he answered. His voice came out a little harsher than he intended, but there was no way to take it back now, nor to reverse the way Felix's gaze looked in the low light of their bedroom. "It's just... I can't do anything about it, and it's been going on for a long time. I'm used to it."

"How long?" Felix asked, his tone sharp. But it was also cagey, vulnerable in a way Dimitri recognised from Felix these days.

He hadn't wanted to think about this too much, but he didn't think there was any other option. Pushing Felix away in an attempt to delay it would hurt too much. "Since a year or so after the Tragedy," he answered. Maybe before then too, and he just hadn't realised at the time - he didn't know.

Felix sucked in a sharp breath. "Why did you never say?" he asked.

Dimitri didn't know if Felix could spot his grimace in the darkness; he supposed it didn't matter. "I never wanted to worry anyone."

"You should have said," Felix grumbled. There was no real bite to his voice, but it stung anyway. "If no one knows you have a bad memory, I can't cover you if you get caught out by something in a council meeting."

Somehow, Dimitri didn't feel that a council meeting was Felix's greatest concern. But if that was the route he wanted to take, Dimitri could oblige. "It has been fine until now," he said. "And now you know, so it should be fine, yes?"

He offered Felix what he hoped was a comforting smile, but it didn't seem to help. "Sure," he said, "but I didn't know about it  _ before." _

Ah. Dimitri didn't know how it had escaped him before, but he was starting to understand now: Felix felt bad about this, and the fact that he hadn't realised before. Dimitri didn't quite know how the idea sat with him; it was his problem, not Felix's. It didn't affect him much at all, if ever, and he didn't particularly want people to know about it. If he hadn't wanted to share it, that was his decision - not Felix's failure.

"Felix," he said, trying to keep his voice even. "You do not have to worry about this. It is my issue to deal with, and that is fine - if I wish for your help with it, then I will ask. But until then, you do not need to think about it."

Felix still frowned, but the lines on his forehead softened a little. Dimitri leaned up to press his lips against that crease, and he seemed to relax even more. From there, it was easy to guide him back down against the pillows, with Dimitri tucking Felix close against his chest once more.

Dimitri tried to sleep then, but it was difficult to get his racing thoughts under control; there was an ache in his core that wouldn't quite go away, the spinning sensation of knowing that Felix was upset with him but being unable to truly understand why it mattered so much. Dimitri closed his eyes again, but he couldn’t quite lay his mind to rest, drifting in that feeling where nothing was real nor restful.

"Dimitri?" Felix's voice was so quiet in the space between exhaustion and dreams that Dimitri almost thought he imagined it.

"Mmm?"

"Do you forget things about us?"

Dimitri's heart stopped for a moment. He didn't want to answer this; the truth wasn't something Felix wanted to hear. It was the thing he'd feared all along, perhaps. "Yes," he answered eventually, his heart hammering. "I do... I do try to remember the things between us - they are without a doubt my most precious memories - but I cannot promise you that my mind will not erase many things I would rather keep."

"I understand," Felix said, his voice tight. Dimitri hadn't heard him like this in a while, and it made his heart ache. "I just... don't want to be alone in my love. In our relationship."

Dimitri blinked, trying to push down against the flash of hurt and frustration that flickered through him at those words. "Felix," he said, reaching out for Felix's hand and taking it, his grip firm. He met Felix's eyes, and thankfully he held the contact. "I don't choose this. I hear your fears, but I cannot change what already is. I do my best, but you have to understand."

Felix broke away from his gaze, eyes downcast, but he kept Dimitri's hand in his, stroking over each of his fingers in turn. "I know," he said. "I'm... sorry."

Dimitri waited a little longer, their hands interlocked. He almost hoped Felix would say more, showing that he really  _ did  _ understand Dimitri's words, but nothing else came. They laid down once more, fingers still intertwined, and Dimitri could finally get to sleep.

It was still tense in the morning. Felix got up early, and he was unusually quiet when they took their morning tea break together. It still stung, and the words he'd spoken without heeding how much they could hurt still echoed in Dimitri's mind.

But he had faith. He was used to their little fallouts by now, the way they didn't always fit together in the way he wanted them to. This mood, like all other things, would pass, and they would work it out together.

There was a lot of time ahead of them for this to all work out. There would be difficult conversations like the ones of the night before, but also easy ones. And there were hundreds upon hundreds of memories they were still yet to make - ones Dimitri would cherish, and ones that would fade away with time. He knew with a steady certainty that each and every one of them would be precious in its own way.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! :) if you enjoyed, please consider leaving a kudos/comment, it means a lot.
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/samariumwriting)  
> [fic promo tweet](https://twitter.com/samariumwriting/status/1363801225486102529?s=20)


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